Submitted by Nancy Bergeron, R.Psych | info@nancybergeron.ca
Mental Health Moment
Emotional Strategies (Inner Work & Regulation)
1. Acknowledge Complex Feelings
Allow yourself to feel grief, anger, guilt, resentment, or sadness — without judgment. Write or talk about your emotions rather than suppressing them. “It’s okay to love my parent and still feel hurt by them.”
2. Release the Hope for Transformation
Accept that your parent may never change, apologize, or become kind. Focus on who you want to be in this relationship — not who you wish they were. Acceptance is not approval — it’s choosing peace over constant disappointment.
3. Separate Compassion from Tolerance
Compassion = understanding their limitations and pain. Tolerance = letting them mistreat you. You can have empathy while maintaining strong boundaries.
4. Name and Limit Emotional Triggers
Identify patterns that consistently lead to hurt (e.g., criticism, manipulation, guilt trips). Develop calm exit strategies when tension rises (“I need to step out for a minute,” or “Let’s talk later.”)
5. Practice Grounding Techniques
Use breathing exercises, mindfulness, or sensory grounding before and after visits. Create “emotional decompression rituals” — e.g., a walk, journaling, or music after caregiving tasks.
6. Reframe Your Role
Instead of “being the good child,” think of yourself as a care coordinator — doing what’s necessary, not what’s emotionally reciprocal. This mental shift reduces guilt and over-responsibility.
7. Find Validation Outside the Relationship
Seek empathy and support from friends, therapy, or caregiver groups. Don’t expect emotional reciprocity from your parent; that’s not where healing will come from.
Situational Strategies (Practical Boundaries & Care Structures)
1. Clarify What You Can and Cannot Do
Define your caregiving “job description.” Example: “I manage their medication and groceries, but I can’t handle daily visits.” Say it out loud, write it down, and share with other family members if needed.
2. Establish Firm Communication Boundaries
Limit exposure to verbal abuse or manipulation. End conversations that become cruel or degrading: “I’m not willing to be spoken to that way. I’ll come back when you’re ready to talk respectfully.”
3. Use Neutral, Brief Responses
When provoked, respond with calm neutrality (“I hear you,” “That’s your opinion,” “Okay”). Avoid arguing, explaining, or defending — it fuels conflict.
4. Set Structured Routines
Predictability helps both you and your parent. Schedule visits or calls at consistent times to minimize last-minute demands.
5. Engage Outside Help When Possible
Look into: Home care aides or respite programs, adult day centers, geriatric care managers, volunteer respite programs or faith-based support. Even a few hours of relief can help you sustain caregiving long-term.
6. Protect Your Physical Space
If your parent lives with you, designate “off-limits” areas or private times. If you live separately, establish boundaries around unannounced visits or excessive calls.
7. Use Written Communication for Sensitive Topics
For logistics (medications, finances, appointments), use texts or emails — it reduces emotional escalation and provides a record.
8. Plan for Respite and Breaks
Schedule non-negotiable downtime — a full day or weekend off every few weeks. Even short breaks prevent burnout and resentment.
9. Involve Professionals for Tough Conversations
Use a doctor, social worker, or counselor to mediate when your parent refuses help or denies issues. Hearing it from a professional, lands better than hearing it from a child.
10. Prepare for Emotional Pushback
Difficult parents often use guilt, martyrdom, or control when they feel powerless. Recognize it as fear, not truth. “They’re scared of losing control — that’s not mine to fix.”